Conflict Management

Conflict is a normal, every-day part of life. Everyone experiences conflict, no matter how much we might try to avoid it. Rather than viewing conflict as a necessarily negative situation, we should learn how to manage and resolve conflict.

Effective conflict management must begin with a conflict. The first step, then, is to identify the conflict. While doing this, it is also important to remember that conflict can be a useful tool to help us grow. In identifying the conflict, we can determine what type of conflict it is. The S-TLC method can help us, as we stop, think, listen and communicate (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, pg. 41).

Young children are frequently given time-outs as a disciplinary measure. Parents understand the need to take their own time-outs, so they can calm down before dealing with rowdy children. In a conflict situation, it is important to remember to stop and make certain we are calm before we engage in conflict resolution. This step is helpful because it allows us to respond in a thoughtful, logical way, instead of reacting instinctively.

We also need to think about the conflict situation. We should consider the type of situation, whether it is a real or unreal conflict. Once we stop and think about what we're really angry about, sometimes we realize that the conflict is unreal, and simply a matter of miscommunication. In that case, asking the other person for clarification can resolve the problem before the relationship is damaged.

Upon reflection, we may also realize that the thing we're fighting about isn't really the problem. I might yell at a roommate for leaving dishes in the sink, when what I'm really concerned with is the fact that she's using my comb and dental floss without asking first. In this case, the real conflict is that I feel like she doesn't respect my privacy, not that she didn't wash her dishes. I need to explain to her that it bothers me when she takes my things without asking, and ask her not to do it again. If she is used to living with family members or friends who share those things, it may not have occurred to her that she needs to ask first. Thinking about the conflict allows me to express the real problem, so that we can solve it.

I also need to consider what options I have. I could try to change my roommate's behavior, change the situation, or change my own reaction. I could explain that I feel as though my privacy has been violated, and ask her not to take anything of mine. I could offer to take her to the store to buy her own comb and dental floss, or I could decide that it doesn't matter if she uses mine. I could also decide not to live with her anymore, although it seems a little extreme to make such a decision before trying to first resolve the problem. I would need to weigh the likely consequences of each of these choices, and decide which one would be most likely to achieve the most desirable outcome.

I also need to think about the outcome I desire, and choose a strategy that best supports that outcome. Collaboration is usually helpful, although sometimes another strategy may work better. Some conflicts are better to avoid, although avoiding every conflict will undoubtedly cause more problems sooner or later.

Once I am calm, and clear in my own mind about the problem, I need to listen to my roommate. Patience, empathy, and being non-judgmental will help. I need to be willing to see her point of view, and listen to everything she has to say. Then the two of us can communicate about the problem, and find a solution that meets both of our needs.

We may need to be creative about possible solutions. Brainstorming is one way to think of more options. We may also want to negotiate, each giving up something that's less important to us, in order to gain something that is a high-priority.

Another important part of managing conflict is choosing the right time and place to engage in the conflict. According to Freud's Psycho-dynamic Theory, “people experience conflict because of their intrapersonal states” (Cahn & Abigail, 2007, pg. 135). Confronting someone in a place or at a time when he or she is under stress may aggravate the very problem we want to resolve. It's important to wait until all parties are calm and relaxed. Someone who feels secure in his or her surroundings is less likely to feel attacked and become defensive, which can cloud the issue.

Communication is necessary in the last three phases of the phase theory. The initiation phase begins with at least one individual confronting the other about the problem. Communication continues as both parties respond to each other. Each can present his or her point of view, which allows both of them to understand what the other one wants from the situation. This phase may be very stressful, possibly even requiring a third party to step in and mediate. Finally, both parties agree to some solution in the resolution phase. Strong communication skills will help both sides to achieve a satisfactory outcome, and strengthen the relationship.

I-statements can be a useful tool in resolving conflict. I-statements allow people to communicate their feelings without putting the other person on the defensive. They require each person to admit some responsibility for creating and solving the problem, rather than blaming outside circumstances or another person. Negotiation and mediation may also help with conflict resolution, by helping the participants to consider alternative options.

Conflict resolution is an important skill to learn for anyone. There are many methods and theories that can help us understand and manage conflict. Among these are the S-TLC method, Post-Dynamic Stress Theory, and the Process view of conflict resolution. If we learn to understand how and why people communicate the way we do, we can use that knowledge to resolve our interpersonal conflicts while keeping healthy relationships.

References

Cahn, D., and Abigail, R. (2007). Managing conflict through communication. Boston: Pearson Education.